In January, I plan to stary taking classes for Early Childhood Development.
I am enjoying working with kids, just not at my current location.
I am taking on a more no-nonsense approach to situations. Working on keeping emotions at bay and thinking more logically. It is rather freeing to get rid of the excess baggage. Now to just remove the excess weight.

I would like to give my hand at heavy combat fighting. I miss martial arts though. Time constraints might prevent me from doing both, but hell it is worth a shot.

My writing skill is really kicking up into high speed. Working on Nanowrimo. Enjoying the story-making process. I have creating a world and real characters for my story. It is an amazing feeling.

My son is rather limber and squirming. He also is a little problem solver. Good for him, bad for me. Went to the School House today and got some border for his room. I also got a Cat in the Hat alphabet mobile on clearance from Waldenbooks. He will have a real toddler's room soon. We are getting the damaged portions of his room fixed as he is getting more mobile and will soon be out of the crib completely.

I have my good days and my bad days, but take them all in stride. I am very happy and am fortunate to have such wonderful friends and a great family.

Disclaimer: This is a candid posting about my experiences after my post partum depression got severe last November. I am writing about this now and displaying it for others if they so wish to read and to remind me of my journey. Enjoy.

Taking this medication was for the treatment of my post-partum depression. Treatment of the ppd not only consisted of this medication, but also counseling for almost the past year and an upheaval/cleansing of all that I surround myself with in general. A lot of changes have been made and a lot of extra crap/ weight has been lifted making me a much healthier person. My counselor and I have worked hard on identifying what caused this episode of ppd and working on a plan to deal with the situation (s) knowing that if Timm and I were to have another child, it is more than likely that ppd will come back with a vengeance the next time around. If that happens, I need to be prepared. Now I am working on getting off of the meds and closing out my case with the counselor. The seizure/hypoxic event that occurred in May knocked out my short term memory, but also hit a reset button. Life became simple. I see people and situations more objectively. I am more aware and at times weary of who I share information with and who I befriend. The sucky part of all of this is working myself down off of the meds. They have been cut to 1/2 strength for about 1-2 months and then they will be cut completely pending observation. Even with the meds being cut in 1/2, I am noticing withdrawal symptoms. I cannot wait until they completely get out of my system. For the small dosage that I was receiving from the start, I understand more now about why I was on the meds during the ppd phase and follow-up, but remember life without them. I will survive just fine without them now but with a more clear understanding of my life and all it surrounds. I am more focused, more grounded, and I have learned to look at people and situations more objectively. I have come to terms with a lot of stuff.These past few months I have been quite insular while I work on getting through this process in my life. It will be coming to an end soon and I am all the happier for that. I have a new found respect for mental health professionals now.

If I am going to be evil, I want minions to do my bidding.
A army of programmed people to fight both good and evil.
Doll House and Supernatural marathons tend to do this to me.
Kind of like mixing all of the flavors of soda together.
You know like we used to do at the skating rink oh so long ago.
This is why my hubby is telling me to not have coffee drinks after 5 pm.
And to not get me wet.
Wait a minute, I think I am a Gremlin!
AAAAAHHHH.

I have read about true leaders and they are inspiring. I can honestly say that I fall in the secondary position, the support of the leadership most of the time. Working on the movie, I am management, which I don't always see as leadership, but my ROTC training has come into play more than once. 



Daily Om
August 27, 2009
Supporting and Inspiring
True Leadership

When we call someone a leader, what we sometimes mean is that they are the best in their particular field; they are inspiring because of how much they accomplish. To be highly accomplished is impressive, but that isn’t what leadership is about. True leaders are not just high achievers; they also support the people around them to achieve, and, in certain cases, to become leaders themselves. In other words, true leaders do not create a static group of followers. Rather, they create an environment in which everyone can develop their potential. True leaders don’t get so caught up in the forward thrust of their own energy that they forget about others or the larger environment. They set an example with their actions, and they also support others to act. This is why true leadership is so rare.

Not everybody is cut out to be a leader, but most of us have the potential to serve in a leadership role at some point in our lives. When doing so, we might want to be inspired by the highest manifestation of leadership, remembering that we are meant to forward not only ourselves but a whole environment—an ideal, a plan, the people around us. While this won’t be easy, it is the true meaning of the job, and we can trust that we are capable of it. Otherwise, we probably wouldn’t find ourselves in the position to lead.

It’s also possible that we have determined that our gifts are best applied in a secondary position, supporting the efforts of a leader whose vision we admire. In this case, we can ensure that our energy is best applied by holding the person for whom we work to a high standard of leadership. In this way, we take responsibility for our own gifts by guaranteeing that they will be appreciated and developed in a way that best serves the whole.

That's right, Douglas Adams. My next attempt at reading books from my hubby's rather large collection of books. This summer I have tried several of his books. I am sure all good books, I just could not get into them at the time. From Nero Wolfe to the Dragonriders of Pern, they just did not have what I needed. Perhaps later.

So the other day I cracked open the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. The book is large and heavy as it is not just that story but all of his stories into one binding. So far so good. It contains what I need after a busy day, a break from all reality.

I listened to an audio book prior to this one entitled Garden Spells by Sarah Addison Allen. It was about small towns, magick, gardening and love. That was what I needed as well. It had just enough of a ya ya sisterhood meets practical magic feel for me to enjoy while doing my daily chores.

After attempting to read Chuck Palahniuk's new book Pygmy in both hard cover and audio, I gave up. I have enjoyed several of his books, this one I could not even get past the 7th chapter. The language is odd, too odd I feel to tell the story. I think we went a little overboard in the odd journalling of the foreigner telling the story. The story is swallowed up in the process leaving me the reader thoroughy confused and having to re-read the chapter (or with the audio, pressing rewind) sometimes a couple of times. It gives me a thought of "it just doesn't work for me. Just because no one understands you does not make you an artist."

I also read Filmmaking for Dummies. That was a great read and I learned a lot. I have been learning a lot about making a movie, mostly by experience. Being a producer has taught me much this summer. More "For Dummies" books will be in my future. Those books are filled with a lot of good information and give you an overview of the topic. I know what I need without getting too much into the topic.

Take a step back and breathe.

In a thought, I remembered a guy from college. Actually it was a dream. In the dream 10 yrs had passed since we had last seen each other.
10 yrs ago I told him I loved him and wondered why we couldn't be together. He told me then that he needed to be with a fellow actor in order to grow. All of the love I could give him would not count for a hill of beans if I could not give him that growth. Fast forward to that 10 yrs of separation. He is still alone and I still had that love to give him. He reminded me that he was still searching for the same thing he was 10 yrs prior. He had grown as an actor but was still looking for his leading lady. I still wanted to be that person. But we still were not for each other.
Why hadn't I just learned that the first time. I felt the love and walked away from him with the feeling that I wanted to hold on to him forever.

I awoke with that dream still in my thoughts. I took a look around. There was my husband waking me with kisses. In the other room, a little boy that was created out of our love. I checked up on my friend from college as he is connected via facebook. He is still an actor and single and not really looking. The expressions of "yeah I am that good" were still painted across all of his images. That is why I didn't want to go on a date with him 10 years ago. That was why a mutual friend back then sent him a stern warning to stay away from me because I was a "nice" girl.

My dreams sometimes put those pictures of situations I would like to have happen, even if it is just to see them out in my head.
My reality is just as it should be.

Megalomania

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

This article is in need of attention from an expert on the subject. WikiProject Medicine or the Medicine Portal may be able to help recruit one. (April 2008)

This article contains too much jargon and may need simplification or further explanation. Please discuss this issue on the talk page, and/or remove or explain jargon terms used in the article. Editing help is available. (October 2008)

Megalomania (from the Greek word μεγαλομανία; megalo-, meaning large, and mania) is a historical term for behavior characterized by an obsession or preoccupation with wealth, power, genius, or omnipotence - often generally termed as delusions of grandeur or grandiose delusions.

Megalomania denotes an obsession with having and/or obtaining, grandiosity and extravagance (especially in the form of great fame and popularity, material wealth, social influence or political power, or more than one or even all of the aforesaid). It may be a symptom of manic or paranoid disorders.^{[citation needed]} However it is not considered a distinct mental disorder of itself according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

Delusions of grandeur, commonly seen in psychosis, may be seen as distinct from megalomania: a megalomaniac's overwhelming and excessive preoccupation with his or her own importance, though it may be considered pathological, is not necessarily delusional. A delusion of grandeur, if it is a true delusion, must meet the psychiatric criteria for delusion.

Whereas it is possible, in the case of megalomania, for an actually important man/woman to be preoccupied with his/her own actual importance, a person suffering from delusions of grandeur would stubbornly entertain patently false, generally fantastic and often highly complex ideas of his/her own importance, often with a supernatural or science-fictional bent. A person suffering from delusions of grandeur may actually be an important figure, as in the case of the mathematician John Nash, who once rejected a prestigious academic chair on the grounds that he was due to be enthroned as the Emperor of Antarctica.^[1]

Delusions of grandeur would seem to be one of the two main—and possibly connected—delusions of paranoid schizophrenia. And, it is interesting to note, delusions of grandeur, though constituting psychotic ideation, are possibly largely recreational in nature and represent irrational and compelling but not unpleasant or disturbing fantasies. In a PBS interview, John Nash said the following about his own delusions of grandeur:

I think mental illness or madness can be an escape also. People don't develop a mental illness because they are in the happiest of situations usually. One doctor observed that it was rare when people were rich to become schizophrenic. If they were poor or didn't have too much money, then it was more likely. And this is natural, if things are very good, you can find satisfaction with the world as it is, as it seems to be. If things are not so good, you may be one to imagine something better.

For me, I was able to imagine myself as in a role of greater importance than I would seem to be ordinarily. At the time, I had some recognition. I was making some progress professionally, but I wasn't really at the top. I didn't have top level recognition, and so when I started thinking irrationally, I imagined myself as really on a Number 1 level. I was the most important person of the world, and people like the Pope would be just like enemies, who would try to put me down in some way or another, or the president.

—John Nash^[2]

What is salient in delusions of grandeur is not just that the grandiose self conception is usually fantastic but also that the ordinary and laborious channels of achievement are completely circumvented and a shortcut route is taken to a "success" which is exaggerated to the point of caricature, as in the case of John Nash maintaining that he was to be Emperor of Antarctica. Sigmund Freud once said that "It might be maintained that... paranoid ideation is a caricature of a philosophical system."^[3]

In delusions of grandeur the sense of caricature is present without the sense of grand rationale that is provided in delusions of persecution. What may go overlooked, because of the psychotic context of the delusory belief, is that delusions of grandeur are not only venal but evince a desire for success without effort, a common element of criminal thought patterns.^[4] Looked at in this light, delusions of grandeur may be indicative of either a comorbid personality disorder or of the integration of personality disorder and thought disorder in paranoid schizophrenia.

That is to say that delusions of grandeur, as described above by John Nash, may not constitute a discrete thought disorder (i.e. paranoid schizophrenic ideation) that is visited on an otherwise well personality. There is a sense of personal complicity in delusions of grandeur and it is possible that paranoid schizophrenia involves significant and possibly prior personality disorder. John Nash was described by many who knew him as insufferably narcissistic before he became schizophrenic.^[5]

Delusions of persecution may be intrinsically related to—and the flip-side of—delusions of grandeur in that the very idea that one is being persecuted by a complex of conspirators involves a sense of greatly elevated self-importance. Delusions of persecution, though generally disturbing and unpleasant—i.e. affectively different—can be seen to similarly arise from a grandiose self-conception.

Look It Rhymes!

In the midst of my silence she takes the stage and paints a picture of me that is full of rage. To find the answers, you need not be a sleuth, just look in the mirror and she will find the truth.

 

 

Fight

 

Helped

Overwhelmed

Human

Attacked

Error

Apology

Attacked

Broken

Separate

Forward

Done

 

Redacted

 

I am not here

I am nowhere

You never saw me

Now go

 

Ridings on the coattails of the guy that one played as an extra in one B-rated movie will only get you so far. For that matter so will doing the same with the guy that knows the guy's manager that had one line in an episode of a tv series 20 years ago. And that doesn't only apply to the entertainment industry, but every industry. Even in our small city, I hear people name dropping all of the time. "Oh I know this person that is important's son's second grade teacher, look at me I am important." And so on.

Name dropping only goes so far. You need to watch who's name it is you are dropping and to whom. Is that how you want to be seen?

Be your own star. Make your own life. Create it and mold it the way you envision it to be.

Dear Ms. Gillick,
Thank you for your e-mail.  I appreciate your sharing your thoughts with me.
David Leitch

----- Original Message ----- From: "Emilie Gillick" <vinoworm@yahoo.com>
To: <davidleitch@ameritech.net>
Sent: Thursday, June 04, 2009 9:52 AM
Subject: From a member of Good Beginnings: Protect Illinois families. Vote for a fair income tax increase.


>
> I am a member of the Good Beginnings programs as part of the Early Childhood Program funded by grants and private donors through the Children's Home here in Peoria, IL. This program has been instrumental in providing the tools and support necessary for a healthy family.
>
> My family loves this program as it is made available to first time mothers regardless of age, race, ethnicity, educational & economic background. This program in my opinion not only gives us the skills to be well-educated parents, but also encourages us to open our eyes to different cultures and thus promoting a larger sense of community.
>
> I have been involved with this community for the past 10 years and consider myself to be in tune with what the Peoria area can offer me. This program, however has gone above and beyond in educating me that there is so much more being offered here in Peoria. Knowing that this program exists and offers this information makes me want to stay in
> Peoria.
>
> An few examples of some of the classes we have been offered include the following:
> Individual visits with a caseworker: during these visits, we are taught through a curriculum of "Parents As Teachers" which gives us further information on the development of our child as he grows. The one-on-one interaction allows for me to ask the caseworker to address our specific needs and goals which we do through a development plan. They are able to get us in touch with other resources in the community and help us along the way. Just by keeping our appointments, we are given points that can go towards items in their incentive store. Items in this store include: basic household items, gas cards, toys for the kids, gift cards, etc.
>
> From The Heart: A class for mothers who have experienced domestic violence/sexual assault. This class teaches the mothers to empower themselves and give a healthy esteem to their children so they can protect themselves from abuse.
>
> Healthy Parenting
> Cooking classes
> Pre-natal classes: healthy pregnancy, options of childbirth, breastfeeding, etc.
> Trips to local community events such as the Peoria Zoo, Festival of Lights.
> And many more....
> We are also asked at each session what kind of classes we would like to be offered. They listen to us and accommodate our needs.
>
> I believe that it is through programs such as Good Beginnings planting the seeds of knowledge that will provide this community with its future.
>
> I understand that this state is in an economic crisis and that you have difficult decisions to make.
> Illinois families are counting on you protect the vital services we all count on.
>
> We know members of the General Assembly have many tough decisions to make in the last days of session. But protecting education, health care and vital public services in the state budget must be a top priority.
>
> Without new revenue, billions of dollars will be slashed from vital services like home care for seniors and people with disabilities, child care, violence prevention, substance abuse prevention and treatment, after-school programs, family nutrition and more.
>
> Cutting these programs will devastate Illinois families now and for years to come. We ask you to vote for a fair income tax increase that will protect vital services families depend on.
>
> We?re counting on you to protect Illinois? future.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Emilie Gillick
> Timothy Gillick
> Asher Gillick
>
> Emilie Gillick
> 1000 W. Aberdeen Rd
> Peoria, IL 61615

I woke up this morning with very little memory of the past month or so. I do not know how far back this memory loss goes, nor how long it will be gone.

Apparently I had a seizure earlier this week. I had testing done the other day to determine a cause. I have mono. How the F*** do I have mono. I had that in college. I thought you developed an antibody after having it the first time.

I may not remember talking to you or doing stuff. Bear with me for a bit. My brain took a nasty spell.

If I walked away right now,
would you know I was gone?

If I screamed in your ear,
could you hear me?

If I stopped holding you up,
would you be able to stand?

If I took all of your money,
could you call me a thief?

If I took away your life,
would you know you were dead?

If I showed you how much I loved you,
could you love me?

I am tired.  My little boy is growing so nicely. He is a continual joy in my life. I am so busy. Why is it when you don't have a job, people around you assume that you are open for their bidding. I am not that free. I have a pretty full schedule and even though I am home for it, I am still busy.

Thank the gods for Mulan Jr. I am loving that I get to help out on the show. I so miss the theatre, oh so very much. Thank you neojupiter  for getting me involved. It has been a life saver.

I am in a mom's group where we discuss serious issues affecting the safety of our children. For those of you who did not know, April is Prevent Child Abuse Awareness month. We are addressing such issues in the class. It is really helping me to explore who I was as a child and my learned behaviors. I am more aware of how I was raised which I think will help me when raising my little boy. I am seeing that there are different methods such as non-violent communication, redirection, positive reinforcement, common sense, etc., that I would like to look into using.

Getting used to saying that we are poor but happy. I gave up my job to take care of my son. We are hurting financially, but my time with him now is totally worth it. I am making laundry detergent, plan to line dry a lot this summer, have cut our bills down almost 30%, rediscovering free activities, getting creative with the food we have available, going to dream center for clothing and shoes when needed and other stuff I may have forgotten. I have been volunteering more. Since I stopped working, a lot of my anxiety has left me. I have been working one crappy job to another for as long as I remember.

Other than my internship At Lincoln Log Cabin, I have not had a job using my education of long ago. My goal now is to work on what I can do to alleviate that.

I know that Sommer Park has an interpretive program, that is right up my alley. My 19th century dresses are definitely fitting small on my now, but once I lose that pesky poundage, I will but sporting my garb.

I am thinking of going into teaching. I should have done it a decade ago, but there was a part of me that felt like I could not be satisfied with a job. I would like to teach History & Drama. I also have a strong interest in Earth Science.

If you are interested in working in a movie, let me know.

Looking for all kinds of positions and roles.

Home Show was AWESOME!!!!! I got a lot of great ideas and have a slew of people coming out to give me estimates on my kitchen/living room floor and my yard. When we get our property, we will be getting a wind generator. I got to touch one!!!
Spent quality time with my mom.
Visited my dad who was moved to OSF and the antibiotics they have him on now are working. YAY!!!
Celebrated Christmas/ my birthday with the in-laws. Had a nice time in a haunted restaurant.
Got to look at great jewelry at Carrie's jewelry party. I love Lia Sophia!
I got to spend quality time with my  husband and play catch-up with him. I miss him so much during the week.
I got to chill with my son Saturday night.
We got our rocking new bed! All of Timm's hard work has paid off.
I contemplated friendships and why we have connections with certain people. I contemplated what makes a friend and what a friend not one makes.
I am closer to deciding a career. I am almost certain it will involve people. I am really interesting in learning what makes us tick, mentally, not physically.
I met an acupunturist!!! I am going to his office on Thursday. He read my tongue and did a pulse reading. My mom and I are going for her birthday. I am exciting about getting poked with needles.

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

( I believe. )

I am totally in love with my husband and my little one Asher.

It was so wonderful to get away from our increasing stressors for a weekend. It gave us new life and energy. We are totally exhausted but it is the fun type of exhausted.

I love the City Museum, it made me feel like a kid again.

The St. Louis Zoo was an absolute blast and we may do the zoo adoption to give us reason to go back down to visit this summer.

I cannot wait until our next excursion.

Okay, this is directed to those people who are upset that they lost there job and feeling hopeless because "there is just nothing out there."
I understand that it is upsetting to be let go from a position when it was due to no fault of your own. Believe me I have been there. It is both emotionally and physically daunting to be out of work. Once again you realize how tough it is out there and think that your prospects for finding another job is next to impossible.There are several positions in many different fields, most just jobs that we normally would not take, but if you need the money, the work is out there.

Here are a few examples:

http://regionalhelpwanted.com/BrowseAds/?SN=144

DHS office prints out the PJ star ads on a regular basis and has a stack of copies available to any willing to find work.
Granted the frustration with the DHS office is that a lot of the people that go down to that office don't care to work, yet another vent, but choose to show up in their brand new vehicles to reapply yet again for a replacement Link Card.

With warmer weather coming up, I know that at least a couple of years ago anyone physically capable could take a test and apply to be a construction worker. I remember meeting once a month to take a test and cattle call for a job.

There are a lot of people who receive regular welfare checks who have to show that they worked x amount of hours to show they are still viable to the community. They go through jobs like they were toilet paper. Temp agencies thrive on these short term projects for people, and if I last recall several of the temp agencies have benefit packages for temp workers. It is a great opp to check out different types of jobs.

You may not land a swank job as a pencil pusher and you may sweat a little, but the work is out there if you are willing to work for it. Who knows you may find a new career in the process.

Now quit your bitching and start looking for a job. *cracks whip*